Curling and Skittles Lanes
A BIG BIG DINOSAUR PARK WELCOME TO OUR BRAND SPANKING NEW CURLING LANE AND A SKITTLES ALLEY.
Now before you scoff and say that Curling (like it’s little brother bowls) is for nincompoops, inebriated local politicians and those over 85, just hang fire a mo’, OK?
It may not look cool, but, we guarantee that once you try it you will be hooked. It’s as addictive as pizzas, sweets and knocking on the police station window then running away. Fast. A real guilty pleasure.
And think of all the advantages of the icy sport of Curling: not only could your first go on our fandabidosi Curling Lane be the first step to Olympic gold at the next Winter Olympics, you also don’t even have to be fit to be good at Curling; neither do you have to do all that hard training and, get this, you can eat as many sweets and pizzas as you want, whenever you want. Even DURING an end of Curling
MOREOVER, YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT HAVE TO BE ALL TALL AND ATHLETIC TO BE GOOD AT IT. CURLING TALENT CAN COME FROM THE UNLIKELIEST BACKGROUNDS: ROAD SWEEPERS, SCOTTISH PEOPLE, REASONABLY MOBILE JANITORS, CANADIANS, RUSSIANS LIVING IN PEMBROKESHIRE WHO HAVE SOMEHOW ESCAPED THE DOPING BAN AND, LET’S NOT FORGET, THOSE WITH A CONVULSIVE DISORDER OF THEIR BRUSH SWEEPING ARM. ALL THESE GROUPS START WITH AN OBVIOUS AND MASSIVE ADVANTAGE.
So what are you waiting for? Getting cracking at a sport so generously given to the world by the Scottish. A sport that can trace its history all the way back to dim and distant 1511, long before they donated deep fried mars bars to world cuisine. A sport featured in the Simpsons episode ‘Boy Meets Curl’.
DISCOVER WHAT ‘HOG TO HOG’, ‘THE MANITOBA TUCK’, AND ‘BURNING THE STONE’ MEAN. AND REDISCOVER THE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SPORTSMANSHIP, MODESTY AND RESPECT ESSENTIAL TO PROPER CURLING.
Talking of modesty and respect, and the current Winter Olympics in Pongch’, Pyen’...oh for the love of…South Korea, you will never guess who wanted to swan over to Wales once he heard of our new, top-of-the-range Curling Lane (with attached skittles alley) (don’t forget the skittles)…
OLE ROCKET MAN.
What d’you mean ‘who?’ You know, Rocket Man, Kim Yong Un, that bloke from NORTH Korea, the one with the uhm…’haircut,’ the unusual (to put it politely) rug on the top of his bonse, not to mention the mouth that looks like he’s permanently sucking on a lemon. The President of North Korea, that’s who. A very important man.
YES, WELL NOW WE CAN AT LAST OFFICIALLY CONFIRM THE RUMOURS CIRCULATING IN ALL THE SOCIAL MEDIA GOSSIP COLUMNS THAT HE WANTED TO COME AND OFFICIALLY OPEN OUR LOVELY CURLING LANE (AND SKITTLES ALLEY)(DON’T FORGET THE SKITTLES). APPARENTLY HE LOVES CUTTING RED RIBBONS AND OPENING SUPERMARKETS WHEN HE’S NOT, YOU KNOW, GETTING UP TO ALL SORTS.
But, well, while we DO allow yowge man-eating dinosaurs in the Park, we DO NOT allow (allegedly) not-very-nice dictators here, the sort of bang-to-rights wrong’uns that would give us a bad name. It would be against health and safety for a start.
IN ANY CASE WE DON’T WANT ‘IM FRIGHTENING THE KIDS (AND THE DINOSAURS) NOR DO WE WANT HIM INFLUENCING THE YOUNG’UNS AT AN IMPRESSIONABLE AGE WITH THAT BLUMIN’ ‘HAIRCUT’, THAT RUG…THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A CRASH HELMET.
However, if he is not miffed at being banned from the Park we are still hoping he will send over that same group of gorgeous cheer leaders who he sent to the ‘lympics. They would be welcome here any day.
SO THERE WE HAVE IT: EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT CURLING, KIM JONG UN, AND THE WINTER OLYMPICS.
But forget all that (if you haven’t already) and get yourselves over here sharpish for your very first (but definitely not last) go on our beautiful Curling Lane. Oh, AND the skittles alley: don't forget the er, well you know by now. We don't have to say it again...SKITTLES!!! Sorry, just couldn't help that then. It just seems to sort of keep coming out. Skittles, skittles, skittles...AND Curling. Don't forget the Curling.
Went here with our grandchildren ages 3 and 6 and we all thoroughly enjoyed the visit. There was so much to do and no queuesLorraine E